He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
