theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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