This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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