If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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