P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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