I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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