You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
