I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
