Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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