Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
