so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
