he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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