Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
