I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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