had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
