just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
