last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
