He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
