areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
