I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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