put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
