Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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