Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
