Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
