I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
