Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize