Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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