Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
