i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
