I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
