Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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