he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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