Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
