Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
