Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
