just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
