I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
