How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
