You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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