Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
