sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
