Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
