my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
