Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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