I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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