Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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