Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
