Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You don't make any sense
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