Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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