does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
And then he peed in my hair
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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