Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
