I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
