she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She's the barista slut.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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