I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
