I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
