Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
