I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
