I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
