I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
