I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
