no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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